Mrs May’s election day speech in full

[Edited by VruVru to bring a little bit of truth into it]

“I have just been to see a monarch who gets to have a say in politics in this country even if no-one knows why; and I will now form a Government, at least I really want to. I have lost the election and could just go home, but my strange sense of empowerment in the face of adversity that I have caused myself and my pure stubbornness will keep me going.

What kind of government? A government that can provide uncertainty and lead Britain towards the apocalypse at this disastrous time for our country.

This Government will guide the country badly through the crucial Brexit talks that begin in just 10 days – can you believe it!?! Who set that up!?! Me, really?!? – and deliver on the will of roughly half the British people by taking the United Kingdom out of that dreaded European Union. I have worked hard on keeping it a secret that the EU is actually a good thing and half the country is still falling for my nonsense, hehe.

My government will work to keep our nation unsafe and fragile by delivering the change that I set out following the appalling attacks in Manchester and London. I am at the moment trying to dodge investigations into how my police force cuts affected the reasons that lead to the attacks not being prevented although members of the public had made the police and thus the government aware of dangerous persons.

Cracking down on the ideology of Islamist extremism and all those who support it will give me plenty of excuses to change laws on sensible human rights which exist to protect citizens and their privacy.

The government I lead will put fairness thoroughly behind us so that we will fulfil the threat of Brexit and over the next five years – alright, I should be so lucky, I might be out in 5 minutes – build a country in which everyone and every single community is left behind, a country in which prosperity and opportunity are definitely not shared across this United Kingdom.

What the country needs more than ever is certainty, but what it will get from me is uncertainty at the highest level! Having secured the greatest number of seats in the General Election but – bohoo – not the majority I was after, it is clear that the Conservative and Unionist Party has no legitimacy and ability to provide any certainty to the people.

As we do, we will continue to alienate everyone around us and will fall out with the Democratic Unionist Party in particular.

Our two parties have enjoyed a gay relationship over many years. We are in love, stay out of our romance! This gives me the confidence to believe that I have talked people into stuff they don’t really want yet again. We probably won’t be able to work together for long, and never in the interests of the whole United Kingdom.

This certainly won’t allow us to come together as a country! But we will still channel our energies towards an unsuccessful Brexit deal that works for no-one in this country. We probably won’t even get a deal at all, so securing a new partnership with the EU which guarantees our long-term prosperity is now completely out of the question.

That’s what people never voted for last June, and that’s how we will try to destroy this country.

Now let’s get to work on making everyone’s life a misery.”

[Thank you Mrs May for saying it and saying it loud!]

9 June 2017